Comment Wall for Indian Epics Final Portfolio
This is my comment wall for my portfolio project. Thank you for your feedback. Here's the link to my portfolio!
This is my comment wall for my portfolio project. Thank you for your feedback. Here's the link to my portfolio!
I really enjoyed reading over your story, and thought you did a wonderful job adding details to make your story more interesting. I really liked how you added your author note at the beginning of your story to kind of give us a background of what we are about to read. I also love Phineas and Ferb, and love how you put your own twist on it.
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteI have not read any of your stories before, so I was really excited to read your evil scientist and the platypus story! I loved watching Phenias and Ferb when I was younger, so I laughed whenever I saw the picture. As I was reading the story, I really felt like I was "watching" the show. I loved that you used dialogue, because I could really picture and imagine the voices of the characters. I was a little confused on what happened at the end because you made it seem like Perry was very stuck, but then he easily escaped the net. Maybe you could add some more visual details or something to make it seem more like a challenge! I also like how you made Doofenshmirtz cry at the end to tie into the story with the monkey tricking the crocodile. I actually didn't realize what story this was based on until the end; however, it did work well overall.
Hello Charley! I love your site! As soon as I arrived I was greeted by a vibrant and interesting photo that is representative of the vibe of this class. Additionally, the layout of the sit makes it easy to navigate from page to page and find exactly what I am looking for. One thing that someone recommended to me that I have since implemented is to put a link to you comment wall on each page. This way readers can go directly from your story to your comment wall without having to go back to your home page. It is subtle and many people may disagree but I appreciated that advice. As for your story, I loved it! I grew up watching 'Phineas and Ferb" so it was really neat to see a retelling of the epics in this fashion. It definitely brings back childhood memories of watching this show with my brother. You did a great job with this story. I can't wait to read more from you through the rest of this course!
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI must say you worked really hard on the website! I love the design and imagery. The dark black theme pops out the image colors and give your portfolio an aesthetic look. I loved how you retold the stories using Phones and Ferb because I used to watch that growing up. I think you did a great job relating the stories to your audience (us) and explaining Indian Epics that way. Overall, I think you were very clever in your approach to the story itself and amazing at designing your website. Good job and keep it up!
Hi Charley!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your first story from your portfolio! I love the concept of connecting Indian epics to television (that is kind of what I am doing for my storybook), and I absolutely love Phineas and Ferb. While I was reading, I could visualize the whole episode playing out in my head, so great job with the accurate descriptions. I never knew how similar the relationship between Dr. Doofensmirtz and Perry the Platypus was with "The Crocodile and The Monkey's Heart". The author's note did a great job explaining the connection between the two! Revising additions that you could make would be to go back and check the grammar, and maybe add some missing words here and there. I really like the layout of your site. It is really easy to follow and it looks fun and bright! I look forward to reading more of your stories, great work!
Hi Charley,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I absolutely love Phineas and Ferb, so this story made me laugh out loud to see in the stack. For the layout I would suggest maybe putting the author's note at the bottom so it doesn't get in the way of the story? Or on your site changing the background color of the specific section that your author's note is in. That way it doesn't detract from your story. I was a bit confused about that and then I realized it was the author's note. I literally hate that I know this, but Only Son was Doof's childhood dog that his parent's loved more than him. I do love that you allowed for Perry and Doof's relationship to come through here similarly to the story you chose to write as well. Especially with the eventual defeat of the character.
Hi Charley! First off, I am pretty sure I read the original story you had written on your blog, so it was cool to see how you changed it for the portfolio! I was still just as entertained as the first time, and I liked how you added a dog in to explain Perry's escape. I also really liked how your Author's Note was at the beginning of the story! It was a nice change of pace from the usual, and since I assume most people have seen Phineas and Ferb, it was an easy way to help memory recall before reading the story. One comment I have to make is that you changed from third to first person point of view during the interactions between Perry and Only Son. I am not sure if this was intentional, but it was distracting for me to read the sudden changes. Finally, I like the image you chose! It goes nicely with the story. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Charley! I love how creative you were to write about Phineas and Ferb for one of your portfolio stories! It was really fun to read about the adventure from Perry’s perspective, and I laughed at some of the little self-aware jokes you sprinkled throughout, like how convenient it was that Perry could take the chute directly to Doofenshmirtz’s lair. I did notice that you switched from third person to first person point of view for a few paragraphs in the middle of the story, and that was jarring. I think the story would be cool if you wrote it all in Perry’s first person perspective, but you might not want to do that much editing, so I would suggest just switching that section back to third person. I also wonder if you could add another few sentences to your author’s note to explain the background of the folk stories you used just because I didn’t really remember how they went, and it made it difficult to understand how your story was an adaptation of the original stories. I loved the personality of your story! It was so much fun to read, and I love Phineas and Ferb. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHello Charley, what a creative first story for your portfolio! I watched Phineas and Ferb as a kid and still appreciate the show as an adult, so it was fun to see you retell Indian mythologies as if they took place in the Tri-State area. Your Author’s Note mentioned that this was a blending of multiple mythologies, but I was not able to tell which stories you blended together until I read your bibliography. It would be really cool if you could break apart which parts of your story were influenced by the different mythologies in your Author’s Note, just so readers can get a better insight into your writing process. In the middle of your story, you switched from a third person description of the action to a first person view of Perry’s escape attempt. I like the idea of seeing into Perry’s thoughts as he tries to escape, but I think the shift in perspective requires a transition. Something as simple as putting Perry’s thoughts in italics will help the readers understand your intentions. As for your inclusion of Only Son in Perry’s escape attempt, it didn’t make a lot of sense to me due to the dog’s role in the Phineas and Ferb universe. I think it would be cool if Peter the Panda helped Perry escape, since Peter is Doofenshmirtz’s other secret nemesis. Again, really great story, I can’t wait to see what other stories you write for your portfolio!
ReplyDeleteHello Charley! woah I love everything about your page so far! it is super creative and interesting to read. I like how you have incorporated elements of phineas and ferb into your stories. I watched phineas and ferb growing up so while reading your first story I was imagining what was going on as well as the characters. I have not come across many projects with this type of dynamic so I am excited to see what else is to come! A suggestion would be to really re-read the story after taking a break from it. In other words, reading your story with fresh eyes can help you spot gramatical errors or add and take away parts of the story to make it better!
ReplyDeleteHi Charley!
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your site! The simple layout makes it easy to navigate. The images fit the stories perfectly! I like how your portfolio is a collection of your best work rather than having a central theme. I think that makes it very unique! My favorite story is "The Evil Scientist and the Platypus". It is so fun to read! I think this is a great story especially for this class because majority of the students have seen this show. Personally, it was apart of my childhood and I loved this show! Reading your story made me feel like I was watching TV! You had a great use of imagery in your story and I like how you kept the characters true to their characteristics. It seems like that could be a real Disney episode. Super creative! Keep up the good work!
Hey there, Charley! I bet people have already mentioned this to you before in the comments, but your page is so fun! I think you have such creative ideas and stories that you have come up with that really appeal to the reader. The layout of your page is very easy to navigate and is also very clean. The only comment I could make on layout is in your last story about the birth of Druapadi your image is cut off by your banner size. It would help if you could change it to make the image more visible or less chopped up by uncentering it and moving the image down so we can see her head. Other than that it looks great! In terms of story you had really great writing that made me feel as if I were reading the script and writing of the actual show. It would be a fun concept to take Phineas and Ferb shows and make them more eduactional and portray different legends and epics just as you have.
ReplyDeleteHi Charley!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your first story based off Phineas and Ferb, I was really excited to read your second story. I really enjoyed reading your version of the birth of Draupadi. I haven't read Kincaid's rendition of it, but it sounds very interesting! I really like the image you used for the story, but maybe adjust the positioning so we can see the full image or even her face? I also thought it was really cool how you incorporated animal sacrifice in your story and how you even did some research on it for Hinduism. I never thought of Draupadi being brought into this world as a weapon, but that is a very interesting concept. There are a few grammatical errors, so I would go back and reread to make sure your story flows. Other than that, I loved reading your stories and I look forward to see what you add on. Great job!
Hi Charley!
ReplyDeleteWhen I saw the titles for each of your stories, particularly your Phineas and Ferb story, I was really excited to read them. Your Phineas and Ferb story was so reminiscent of the show that I felt like I was watching a new episode of it. I even read Dr. Doofenshmirtz's dialogue in his voice. I have to admit though, I was not sure how that story related to the tales that inspired it. Your story was too much of Phineas and Ferb that I was not seeing any Jataka tales in the story. Plus, I think your combining of multiple tales was part of the confusion. I did love the story, but I think you can reel it back a little bit so that it relates more to the tales. For your second story, I really liked the path you went down. Draupadi was basically created as a weapon, but we kind of forgot that while reading the Mahabharata. The story was very chilling. Wonderful portfolio!
Hey Charley,
ReplyDeleteI like your 'Birth of Druapadi story'. I also did a story that included Druapadi so I can see similarities in the stories that we wrote. Your creative idea allowed you to expand on what was an Indian epic and transform it into your own story with your own personal taste. I also enjoy the layout of your website. I always use the dark theme whenever available, so the black background is appealing to me. The website is also very easy to navigate as I had no problem finding your story and comment wall.
Hi there! I really liked this story- I was immediately drawn in my the title, and then had a little chuckle when I realized that it was going be be based off of Phineas and Ferb! While this is definitely a unique approach to retelling Indian epics, it totally worked! I think that's what so cool about this class- doing things that are totally unexpected that also work really well! Good job!
ReplyDeleteI though that in your story, you could focus in on your commas a bit. For example, the first sentence of your second paragraph has four commas, and I think it might be possible to rephrase this sentence in a way that uses less (I think this might also make the sentence flow a bit better). then, later in that paragraph, you have the sentence "Instantly awakened he glanced at the screen." I actually think you could use a comma here: "Instantly awakened, he glanced at the screen."
Hi Charley,
ReplyDeleteOne thing I wanted to start off with was that I enjoyed how your author's note was at the beginning of your story. Many times I'll be reading the story and not really have any idea what's going on, but once I read the author's note at the end it all makes sense! This is definitely something that helped, me at least, to give a good summary of what I was about to read and know what to kind of expect. Also, I know you chose to do a portfolio, but I think it'd be so cool if you had other stories relating to Perry the Platypus. I think it funny how you stayed true to Perry just "clicking" like he does in the actual show. I remember watching Phineas and Ferb as a kid - such simple times! Thank you for taking me back to my childhood for a short moment, it looks great!
Hey Charley
ReplyDeleteI think that your story about the The Evil Scientist and The Platypus hit home today. I actually grew up upon this cartoon and I pretty much watched all the episodes. I don't remember much of it though it was an amazing show. I had a great childhood and reading your story brought my memory back. I love the fact that you told the story in third person. I feel like I was seeing the story in action by you telling it this way. I remember that Perry never spoke in the shows. I wonder what it would be like if you added some dialogue for him. I have always wanted to know what Perry would say or react to anything around him. He never show emotion and that was kind of sad. Overall your story was very well written. Great job on the story. I really like it.